MY HERO & ANGEL

I can't thank you enough for EVERYTHING & ALL  you have done for me. An for being there for me the way you have. YOU SAVED MY LIFE SO MANY TIMES. Little did you know. If not for you, I wouldn't be here now. You are the reason I fight & get up everyday & push through all the bullshit going on in my life right now. It means everything to me. You are truly a blessing & gift from God. An of course I am always & always will be here for you as well NO MATTER WHAT! I don't care the time or day I will be there for you. As I suffer with severe depression & anxiety & PTSD & Suicidal thoughts everyday right now, you have always found ways to cheer me up & get me through it all. I love you so very much & I owe you my life and would lay my life down for you. Because you mean that much to me. Everyday you give me the Strength & Courage to keep going & Survive each day. It is truly an Honor & Blessing to have you in my life & apart of my life forever. I can't thank you enough for all you have done for me & are doing for me. God bless you My Hero & Angel. 💪🏾💪🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾✝️☮️🕯🕯🕯🫂🫂💕💕

Overwhelmed 😔🥺😭😭

I don't know what to feel or think at the moment. I am just beyond hurt & crushed & devastated. With everything going on. I am really tired of treating people that don't deserve my kindness or love or anything from me with all that anymore. I am far from a mean person or whatever. But I'm done with being used & taken advantage of & treated like shit & abused & more. I don't deserve it at all. I have done nothing wrong, I have always treated people the way I want to be treated. But I have in return been treated with abuse & hurt & pain & heartache & more. I am done, I am done with it all. If that makes me a Bitch or selfish then so fucking be it. But I am done. 

I just Don't Understand

I truly just don't understand any of this. I feel like I'm being punished for something. What have I done wrong? I mean seriously. I say this because first my BFF & Now God may take her too. 😔🥺💔💔😭😭 with tears running down my face, I just read a post a very dear friend is fighting for her life right now, all after having her tooth pulled a mother ago. An I feel so damn helpless & heartbroken. Her name is Melissa Whisman now Batchelder is her last name now because she got married last year. This is her the top one & the bottom one is her & her husband. 

this is her & her husband 

 She is truly the Kindest & sweetest & big hearted & caring & loving & down to earth & daring person I know. She has seen so much of what I have gone through growing up & she has been there for me through thick and thin. She to has been through so much growing up as well. She is such a Warrior & Survivor. She is definitely a Fighter but I know everyone's time comes & I pray hers doesn't come yet. But I also know that's not for me to decide, it's all up to God. Just like he knew it was for my BFF. People thought Missy for short & I were best friends but we weren't. Just very close ones. I remember the day I first meet her I was in 5th grade and I was going to a doctors appointment & we ran into each other passing by & had a brief conversation & then later got to know each other more & more. Learned she didn't live to far from me & I from her. We saw each other everyday at School after & spent a lot time together & grew very close as friends. She was like the sister I never had growing up. We talked for hours and hours on the phone sometimes not all the time. She got me through so much & I got her through so much too. Her mom Patricia Whisman was so amazing, she passed away a few years ago. But before that her brother Kevin passed away from a Blood clot in his leg & her Dad passed away after her mom did a year or so later from Cancer. I forgot which Cancer. But yeah & it was very hard for her but her other two brothers & family got her through & myself. I am very close with that family. Pat even tried to do something so selfless to get me out of my awful situation but the person who is betraying herself as something she isn't said No. I was so upset with her for it. But anyway, it's neither here nor there now. I Just Pray & Pray Missy makes it through. Because she has so much to live for. This is her mom & her 

 her mom of course has since passed away some time ago. R. I. P. 🕊🕊🙏🏾👼🏾✝️☮️anyway, God bless! & Take Care. 

My Grief

As I sit here with tears running down my face, I am thinking about ALL the Good times & some not so good times with my best friend. Her name was Maddie. She truly was an old soul full of wisdom & a big heart & more. I have never really talked about my Grief after she passed away from COVID on Oct.30th almost 3 years ago now. Because no one has ever asked me & two I didn't really feel ready to talk about it. I'm still grieving in my own way for her but I'm at peace with knowing she is at peace and no longer suffering anymore. I know she is with me everyday I feel her. I fell into a depression not a dark one thank God. But A long Depression that I'm slowly pushing through & fighting through everyday among other things. But that's neither here nor there. When I was told she passed away, my heart broke & sank to my stomach. I cried & cried & cried for days. Because I couldn't believe she was actually gone. I just laid in bed for days crying & beating myself up for not being there with her to say Goodbye & tell her how much I would miss her & all. An that I was at peace with her moving forward & didn't want her to suffer anymore. Yes I would still grieve & all as I have & am. But I feel it would have been Healing for me & her. I think it would have put her mind at peace knowing this. But I never got that change & I never will. I was Angry, mad & feeling guilty & all because how could God not allow me to say Goodbye & met her & be there in person for her? As one does in grief of a loved one or someone close to them. I know that I was there for her everyday & all through our DM chats on Twitter even in the end. Just like she was for me. Her & I shared abusive childhoods & a lot of hard times from our lives. We were also each other's Rocks & Ride or Dies & Sister & at the time only real family each other had so we thought. Because neither one of us knew that we had a Real True Family out there. That changed our lives in so many way. But let me get back to my Grief here, for a minute. When I told this so called family here in Arizona that she passed away, not a damn one cared or understood why I was grieving someone I never met in person. That hurt me so much, because I did know her regardless whether we would have met in person or not. Now this may be hard for some of you to understand, & that's okay I didn't either at first. But I felt like I had known her my whole life & we had this strong connection & bound that no one could break or ripe apart because people did try. No we weren't "Lovers" or whatever the hell you want to think. I was NEVER into her like that, she was my BFF Sister. An she knew that. Anyway, It was hard not being able to talk to her everyday anymore & it still is at times. Because I was so used to that for a long time. But I do talk to my Real True Family everyday. They have saved my life so many times already & helped me through so much & love & care & support through so much & for me. That I can't Thank them enough even through there own struggles & hard times they have been there for me. Honestly, I wouldn't be alive still if not for them. I may not be there with them yet but they are always, always in my heart & I love them all to death. I would die for each & everyone of them I mean that whole heartedly. They are my world & mean the world to me. I am really working hard to push through & fight through my Severe Depression everyday. It's not easy but I'm trying really hard. I was going through therapy & I'm about to start again soon. Some personal situations stopped it for a little while. But anyway, I am going to get back to it because I know it will help me like it had been before after my BFF passed away. I JUST NEED TO LEAVE ARIZONA ALREADY!!! PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!! Anyway, I'm just trying to Heal & Move Forward as best I can. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋💪🏾💪🏾🕊🕊🕊☮️✝️🍀❤🫂🫂💕💕

The Next Chapter

I am truly ready to move forward & out of Arizona already. I have most of my stuff packed up & ready to go. I have for a while now. But unfortunately I haven't left yet, but then I wonder if I ever will at all. An if I should just unpack everything. Maybe this is my depression talking or maybe not. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I just feel so stuck & struggling so very bad. Because of all the Verbal & Emotional & Mental abuse I deal with daily while still here in Arizona. Even though I don't live with Linda, the person that lied to me my whole life & portrayed herself as something she never was ever. Does this to me. I am beyond done with it all & enough is enough. I know I probably sound like a broken record, not my intentions at all. But I'm just done already. I know I'm not expected to be Strong all the time but for years growing up I always felt like I was expected to be just that & the understanding one & more. All these expectations for what so I can be gaselined & your punching bag & your "easy" target my whole life? Meaning someone you can just run all over & try to manipulate & abuse & more everyday. Because this how I feel, I'm tired of being expected to continue be treated this way & live this way. My Mental Health feels like it's just worse and then next will be my health. I struggle everyday with my Mental health issues & it's just hard & overwhelming. I feel so lost & like a second class citizen that's how I feel I'm being treated here in Arizona. Now I have dealt with Discrimination & Racism & all my whole life because I'm mixed race. It is truly the most degrading feeling & disheartening & painful & awful experience ever. Anyone who has dealt with this will tell you it feels like your identity is being stolen from you and like your worthless & all. But to feel like your being treated like a second class citizen is just indescribable. Because you really don't know what to feel other than num & all. I am pretty much fighting & pushing through for my life. With the help of my Real & True Family. If not for them I would not still be here meaning alive. They are keeping going & all. I love you so very much with everything in me. I apologize for some of my blogs sounding depressing & all. I love to write & I express myself very well through writing. But am working hard at expressing myself verbally better. As I never really been good at, because I wasn't allowed to & I had no friends to talk to growing up. True ones anyway. I have had plenty of fake ones though. Anyway, that's whole other blog in it's self. Right now, in this one I'm talking about Mental health & Discrimination & the effects of it all. Well how it's affected me anyway. God bless & take care and God only made one you, & you can't be you no one else will. 💪🏾💪🏾🫂🫂🙏🏾👼🏾✝️☮️🕊🕊🕊🦋💕💕💕

Mental Health

Mental Health is a struggle & life I would never wish on anyone. It is truly the most hardest & difficult thing to ever go through. When I realized I had Mental Illness, I felt so defeated & broken & alone & so much more. Because no one understood anything about it or wanted to learn or listen to anything about it. I guess you can say I kinda taught myself. I mean the Therapist I had at the time didn't understand or get anything. She was fresh out of College. She did everything all wrong & some things she could have been sued for. But she "acted" like she knew what she was doing. I was 17 when I had my first Therapist. An she awful & just all kinds of wrong. I didn't go to her very long at all. I only went to her, because the person who has pretended to be something they aren't & never were ; was under their insurance from there work. I couldn't afford to go to one on my own like now. Then when I could find one on my own, they weren't any better. They either didn't care or listen or understand anything. They always tried to push Anti Depressants on me, they were very prescription happy as I call them. Those who push prescription drugs you don't really need on you. They never offered any other alternatives not even when I asked. It was always prescription drugs. So I stop going to them for a long time. When I thought maybe I found a good one, nope he was creepy & I felt so uncomfortable around him. This started after I told him about my being raped at 5 years old & again at 16 . So I stopped going to him immediately after he got creepy & all. Then after that, I never saw another one again. I didn't trust them anymore & I didn't feel heard or believed or nothing. Finally just a few years ago, I found one that understands me & cares & listens & doesn't push prescription drugs on me and offers other alternatives if I want. & doesn't share what I tell her with anyone else. Like the others did to me. Which is illegal. Anyway, I was diagnosed with Severe Depression & Anxiety & PTSD. Which I have found other alternatives that work for me & I don't need prescription drugs. I mean if they work for you, that is great. Nothing wrong with that at all. You do what works for you. For me, they don't work. Anyway, I have been Struggling so much everyday with my Mental Health. Because I am going through so much stress and anxiety & Verbal & Mental & Emotional Abuse & suicidal Thoughts everyday. Because of all that I'm dealing with. It very hard to get through the day everyday but I have been turning to God more than ever before & talking with people I trust & who I'm very close too. Outside of Arizona. I have no one here in Arizona at all, to turn to or nothing. Which makes things so much harder to deal with but I keep fighting through & pushing through for myself & those who truly truly give a damn about me. 

WHY??

I REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE HATED ME IN MY LIFE. DON'T TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE BECAUSE IT IS. ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THIS& NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY. I'M NOT ATTRACTIVE, I'M FAT NOW BUT GROWING UP I WASN'T. BUT EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS SO I BELIEVED IT AS I STILL DO NOW. ANYWAY, I'M A NOBODY FOR SURE ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY, I'M POOR AS FUCK. I'M STRUGGLING BAD BUT OH WELL. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WOULD PUSH ME AWAY & FORCE SITUATIONS THAT WERE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. LIKE TRYING TO GET ME TO HAVE A "CLOSE" RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS & IS PURE EVIL. THEN TO TRY AND FORCE ME TO LIVE BACK IN THIS PERSONS HOUSE. WHEN THEY KNEW THAT WAS NEVER GOING HAPPEN. I GUESS I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY WERE THINKING & WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO BAD, THAT THEY WOULD DO THIS STUFF TO ME. FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT THROWING ANYTHING IN ANYONE'S FACE, I JUST WANT ANSWERS & TO ALSO UNDERSTAND WHY. I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS A LOT, ABOUT WHY PEOPLE TREATED ME THE WAY THEY DID & WHY THEY HATED ME SO BAD& WHY WAS I PUT THROUGH SO MUCH EVIL LIKE I WAS. AN LIKE I AM NOW AS STILL HERE IN ARIZONA. I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY TO GET UP & I JUST WANT TO NOT WAKE UP MOST DAYS AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF MOST DAYS AS WELL. I KNOW IF I WERE TO TRY NO ONE HERE WOULD STOP ME. NO I'M NOT THREATENING TO, I'M JUST POINTING THAT OUT. PLEASE DON'T TWIST MY WORDS OR PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. ANYWAY, I JUST HAD TO GET THIS STUFF OFF MY CHEST. BECAUSE IT'S BEEN WEIGHING ON ME FOR A WHILE NOW. I'M NOT SURE I WILL EVER KNOW WHY ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING OR EVER HAPPENED. BUT I WANT THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAY BE GOING THROUGH THE SAME CRAP OR HAVE GONE THROUGH THE SAME CRAP THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AT ALL. YES I WILL GET THROUGH IT & ALL BUT THE PAIN & HURT FROM IT ALL WILL NEVER GO AWAY. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🫂🫂🕯🕯🕯☮️✝️🕊🕊🕊🤍🤍💜💜🦋