My Grief

As I sit here with tears running down my face, I am thinking about ALL the Good times & some not so good times with my best friend. Her name was Maddie. She truly was an old soul full of wisdom & a big heart & more. I have never really talked about my Grief after she passed away from COVID on Oct.30th almost 3 years ago now. Because no one has ever asked me & two I didn't really feel ready to talk about it. I'm still grieving in my own way for her but I'm at peace with knowing she is at peace and no longer suffering anymore. I know she is with me everyday I feel her. I fell into a depression not a dark one thank God. But A long Depression that I'm slowly pushing through & fighting through everyday among other things. But that's neither here nor there. When I was told she passed away, my heart broke & sank to my stomach. I cried & cried & cried for days. Because I couldn't believe she was actually gone. I just laid in bed for days crying & beating myself up for not being there with her to say Goodbye & tell her how much I would miss her & all. An that I was at peace with her moving forward & didn't want her to suffer anymore. Yes I would still grieve & all as I have & am. But I feel it would have been Healing for me & her. I think it would have put her mind at peace knowing this. But I never got that change & I never will. I was Angry, mad & feeling guilty & all because how could God not allow me to say Goodbye & met her & be there in person for her? As one does in grief of a loved one or someone close to them. I know that I was there for her everyday & all through our DM chats on Twitter even in the end. Just like she was for me. Her & I shared abusive childhoods & a lot of hard times from our lives. We were also each other's Rocks & Ride or Dies & Sister & at the time only real family each other had so we thought. Because neither one of us knew that we had a Real True Family out there. That changed our lives in so many way. But let me get back to my Grief here, for a minute. When I told this so called family here in Arizona that she passed away, not a damn one cared or understood why I was grieving someone I never met in person. That hurt me so much, because I did know her regardless whether we would have met in person or not. Now this may be hard for some of you to understand, & that's okay I didn't either at first. But I felt like I had known her my whole life & we had this strong connection & bound that no one could break or ripe apart because people did try. No we weren't "Lovers" or whatever the hell you want to think. I was NEVER into her like that, she was my BFF Sister. An she knew that. Anyway, It was hard not being able to talk to her everyday anymore & it still is at times. Because I was so used to that for a long time. But I do talk to my Real True Family everyday. They have saved my life so many times already & helped me through so much & love & care & support through so much & for me. That I can't Thank them enough even through there own struggles & hard times they have been there for me. Honestly, I wouldn't be alive still if not for them. I may not be there with them yet but they are always, always in my heart & I love them all to death. I would die for each & everyone of them I mean that whole heartedly. They are my world & mean the world to me. I am really working hard to push through & fight through my Severe Depression everyday. It's not easy but I'm trying really hard. I was going through therapy & I'm about to start again soon. Some personal situations stopped it for a little while. But anyway, I am going to get back to it because I know it will help me like it had been before after my BFF passed away. I JUST NEED TO LEAVE ARIZONA ALREADY!!! PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!! Anyway, I'm just trying to Heal & Move Forward as best I can. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋💪🏾💪🏾🕊🕊🕊☮️✝️🍀❤🫂🫂💕💕