Mental Health

Mental Health is a struggle & life I would never wish on anyone. It is truly the most hardest & difficult thing to ever go through. When I realized I had Mental Illness, I felt so defeated & broken & alone & so much more. Because no one understood anything about it or wanted to learn or listen to anything about it. I guess you can say I kinda taught myself. I mean the Therapist I had at the time didn't understand or get anything. She was fresh out of College. She did everything all wrong & some things she could have been sued for. But she "acted" like she knew what she was doing. I was 17 when I had my first Therapist. An she awful & just all kinds of wrong. I didn't go to her very long at all. I only went to her, because the person who has pretended to be something they aren't & never were ; was under their insurance from there work. I couldn't afford to go to one on my own like now. Then when I could find one on my own, they weren't any better. They either didn't care or listen or understand anything. They always tried to push Anti Depressants on me, they were very prescription happy as I call them. Those who push prescription drugs you don't really need on you. They never offered any other alternatives not even when I asked. It was always prescription drugs. So I stop going to them for a long time. When I thought maybe I found a good one, nope he was creepy & I felt so uncomfortable around him. This started after I told him about my being raped at 5 years old & again at 16 . So I stopped going to him immediately after he got creepy & all. Then after that, I never saw another one again. I didn't trust them anymore & I didn't feel heard or believed or nothing. Finally just a few years ago, I found one that understands me & cares & listens & doesn't push prescription drugs on me and offers other alternatives if I want. & doesn't share what I tell her with anyone else. Like the others did to me. Which is illegal. Anyway, I was diagnosed with Severe Depression & Anxiety & PTSD. Which I have found other alternatives that work for me & I don't need prescription drugs. I mean if they work for you, that is great. Nothing wrong with that at all. You do what works for you. For me, they don't work. Anyway, I have been Struggling so much everyday with my Mental Health. Because I am going through so much stress and anxiety & Verbal & Mental & Emotional Abuse & suicidal Thoughts everyday. Because of all that I'm dealing with. It very hard to get through the day everyday but I have been turning to God more than ever before & talking with people I trust & who I'm very close too. Outside of Arizona. I have no one here in Arizona at all, to turn to or nothing. Which makes things so much harder to deal with but I keep fighting through & pushing through for myself & those who truly truly give a damn about me. 

WHY??

I REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE HATED ME IN MY LIFE. DON'T TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE BECAUSE IT IS. ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THIS& NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY. I'M NOT ATTRACTIVE, I'M FAT NOW BUT GROWING UP I WASN'T. BUT EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS SO I BELIEVED IT AS I STILL DO NOW. ANYWAY, I'M A NOBODY FOR SURE ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY, I'M POOR AS FUCK. I'M STRUGGLING BAD BUT OH WELL. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WOULD PUSH ME AWAY & FORCE SITUATIONS THAT WERE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. LIKE TRYING TO GET ME TO HAVE A "CLOSE" RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS & IS PURE EVIL. THEN TO TRY AND FORCE ME TO LIVE BACK IN THIS PERSONS HOUSE. WHEN THEY KNEW THAT WAS NEVER GOING HAPPEN. I GUESS I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY WERE THINKING & WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO BAD, THAT THEY WOULD DO THIS STUFF TO ME. FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT THROWING ANYTHING IN ANYONE'S FACE, I JUST WANT ANSWERS & TO ALSO UNDERSTAND WHY. I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS A LOT, ABOUT WHY PEOPLE TREATED ME THE WAY THEY DID & WHY THEY HATED ME SO BAD& WHY WAS I PUT THROUGH SO MUCH EVIL LIKE I WAS. AN LIKE I AM NOW AS STILL HERE IN ARIZONA. I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY TO GET UP & I JUST WANT TO NOT WAKE UP MOST DAYS AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF MOST DAYS AS WELL. I KNOW IF I WERE TO TRY NO ONE HERE WOULD STOP ME. NO I'M NOT THREATENING TO, I'M JUST POINTING THAT OUT. PLEASE DON'T TWIST MY WORDS OR PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. ANYWAY, I JUST HAD TO GET THIS STUFF OFF MY CHEST. BECAUSE IT'S BEEN WEIGHING ON ME FOR A WHILE NOW. I'M NOT SURE I WILL EVER KNOW WHY ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING OR EVER HAPPENED. BUT I WANT THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAY BE GOING THROUGH THE SAME CRAP OR HAVE GONE THROUGH THE SAME CRAP THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AT ALL. YES I WILL GET THROUGH IT & ALL BUT THE PAIN & HURT FROM IT ALL WILL NEVER GO AWAY. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🫂🫂🕯🕯🕯☮️✝️🕊🕊🕊🤍🤍💜💜🦋

Just Bad.. 😔🥺

The Other Day, I went grocery shopping which did not go well at all. But that's not why I'm writing this blog. I'm writing this blog because the person, I went with said something so evil & unbelievable. She blamed me for all the abuse & heartache & pain she put me through & so much more. I can't tell you how crushing & painful & heartbroken I felt 💔💔😭😭😭.

even though this person means nothing to me. This person just knows how to hurt me with the right words & all. I have Survived so much of her cruel & evil ways. It definitely wasn't easy this is why I need to leave Arizona so bad. My whole life all I have done is work hard at not showing my emotions around this person & sharing my feelings with her. Because to her you were weak & not Strong & not Tough enough if you did any of these. She would also twist your words & put words in your mouth & only hear what she wanted to hear & if you try to explain yourself, she accuses you of trying to argue with her. 🙄 so half the time there was no point in trying to talk to her. She would just scream & yell at you. An beat the shit out of you if you crossed her at all. I still have a bruise scar on my right upper thigh. I have no feeling in that spot either anymore. Yes she was Physically Abusive & more. Why am I telling you all this because I don't want anyone who may be or has gone through Any kind of Abuse to think they are alone, because you are not. To please tell someone you trust & ask for help. I understand completely it's not easy but you got to find the Strength & Courage within you to Stand up for you & Fight for you. Because you deserve too. An Also know NONE OF THE ABUSE IS YOUR FAULT EVER!!!! NO MATTER WHAT THE PERSON OR PEOPLE TELL YOU!!! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT!!! Anyway, I am fighting through the hurt & pain of it all but I know in my heart she is very very wrong. None of it was my fault. May God bless you & be with you. 🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯☮️✝️🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋🫂🫂🫂🕊🕊🕊🕊💕💕💕💕🍀❤

THE STRUGGLES ARE REAL

Right now, I can't really express how truly, truly unsure, defeated, lost, drained & tired just tired I feel from ALL these fake negative people in here in Arizona. I am still Fighting & won't stop Fighting & Pushing as hard as I can to get through. But it's still so hard. I really wish I had 3 wishes or just 1. But that's not real life. It's 5:45 pm on a Sunday here & I just woke up. Severe Depression or any type of Depression will do that to you. I was suppose to go Grocery Shopping today but I didn't feel like it & I need too. I'm going to tomorrow. Not looking forward to it because of who I'm going with, I don't really have choice because I don't drive or anything. Anyway, if could run away I would, I really would out of Arizona. I could do other things to leave but I won't do that to the people who really love & care for me. I truly wish their wasn't so many blocks here & their. At least that's what it feels like. To get me were I should be & want to be. I know God is good & that he loves me, at least I realize that more now. Yes I lost hope & all for a long time. Because of ALL the Abuse & More I have been through growing up & all. I really believed he hated me & all. As I believed others hated me. My True Family & so many others who came in & out of my life, I got a lot of that back my Hope & Strength. Which is why I'm still around today. Each & everyone of them saved my life in their own way. Whether they knew it or not. I can't Thank them all enough for it. All I can do really is continue to fight to live as I am. It's definitely hard with Severe Depression & Anxiety & PTSD and all. It's a struggle everyday especially when your still living in the environment were it began. Do I know I can Survive this? Yes I do in my heart, I mean I Survived so much worse growing up, not sure how but I did. One thing I can say is I never ever allowed anyone to change my Big heart or Morals or Values or who I am. 

Healing is truly a long process & not one to be rushed & you really do see yourself more deeply. I am learning to love myself more, shocking I know. Because it's something I never really thought I could do. Honestly, because of how much I was put down & told how ugly, fat, disgusting, irrating, annoying, disgrace, stupid, unloved, that no one cared about me& ever would & that I was never meant to have friends & more. Hearing all this everyday of your life was hard & I still get told some of this stuff. It's very very hard to just ignore. I do try not to let it get to me as well as I can. But it's far from easy. But with my continued Therapy & Love & Support & all from my True Family & True friends. I will continue to fight & push through. An of course God's Help. I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU SO MUCH That have stuck with me through so much & never gave up on me. An always have Encouraged me to keep my Faith & Belief that had. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋✝️☮️🕯🕯🕯🕯🫂🫂🫂💕💕💕🕊🕊🕊❤🍀🥰🥰😘😘

Truly Eye Opening (aha moment)

In the past days so much has happened. Meaning I have been reminded of things, I forgot about & stopped believing in. Because I lost a lot of belief in myself & just how Strong I really am. Because I have been knocked down & more through out my life. 

it hasn't been easy for me at all. I struggled so much in my life & have been through so much. How I managed to Survive it all & Push through it all I really had no real idea. But I believe it was because of the Strength & Love & Prayer from the very close people in my life from my past to now. I can't explain to you how much that truly truly means to me & has saved my life & changed it. I am of course still struggling through & all. But I will get through it & survive again. I am still waiting to leave Arizona. Which I pray is soon. But anyway, I of course will still have many ups and downs. An when they come & go I don't know, I will just try my best to work through it & get through it as well as I can. Mental Health isn't easy at all, it's not something you "just get over" or " ignore " or " just stop whenever " it stays with you your whole life. Can it be managed yes it can. With whatever works for you. Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you all. God bless & take care. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋🕯🕯🕯✝️☮️🕊🕊🕊🫂🫂🫂

Life Changes!

I haven't written in such a long time. So much has changed in my life. I'm not really sure were to begin. Well I guess I will start with meeting my BFF/Sister. Her was Maddie. She was truly very wise & amazing. She had such a awful & horrible life growing up like I have. But still managed to Stay Strong & Fight like a Warrior. She definitely had an old soul. I always felt that from her & her & I had such a very special close connect that was unexplainable. She knew how I was feeling before I would tell her & more like I did with her. I'm sure your wondering why I said was. Well she passed away from COVID 2 years ago. I miss her so very much everyday. She also had so many health issues as well. As I do now. It's awful to say the least. I have been dealing so very much in my life. I'm still stuck in Arizona unfortunately. I really wish to God I wasn't but I am. It sucks so very much. Because I can't deal with all the things I'm dealing with. I don't have anyone here in AZ to talk to or turn to or nothing. I do have many people outside of Arizona which I am extremely grateful & blessed to have. But the in person interaction means so much more. Anyway, I am suppose to move but when God only knows because I don't. Or even if actually will at this point. Because their have been so many blocks everytime I thought maybe this day or this month or year. An it hasn't happened yet. I'm really starting to lose hope & think I'm just meant to be stuck here in Arizona for what's left of my life & be miserable. 😔🥺. I don't like feeling this way but I do. I'm trying very hard to keep fighting & Stay Strong but it's getting so much harder to do that. Because my Mental Health is getting worse everyday. I'm doing better in some areas but not all. That's what's getting worse because I'm still dealing with Mental & Verbal & Emotional Abuse almost daily. It's very hard to deal with & to try & stay Strong through & all. There have been times were I wanted to give up completely but I won't because I don't want to do that to the people who are very close to me in my life. Because they mean the world to me. But anyway, I pray everyday for a Miracle & all. An nothing yet. Some ups I have been going to therapy & healing from a lot of the things I have been through. I still have a long way to go for sure. But I'm getting there. I also have been living on my own still for a long time now. I'm proud of myself for that. But I'm not happy that all these years later Sergio is still living with me. An still has yet to see his kids but that's neither here  nor there. Anyway, I really hope he moves on his own soon very soon. My slumlord as call him, is an Emblezzing dick. Just horrible doesn't fix or take care of anything at all. No matter how many times he is told. He doesn't care at all. Anyway, I'm struggling a bit with bills but not much I can do really. I tried to get help from every where I can & it's just one block after another. It's really upsetting & hard. I don't know anymore. So sorry it's sad & all. Of course I can't say everything that's going on because of privacy & legal reasons. I do apologize. I just pray & pray things get better here really very soon ASAP! 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾💪🏾💪🏾☮️✝️🕯🕯🕯🕯🤍🤍💜💜🕊🕊🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾 I love you all very much & God bless.