Just Bad.. 😔🥺

The Other Day, I went grocery shopping which did not go well at all. But that's not why I'm writing this blog. I'm writing this blog because the person, I went with said something so evil & unbelievable. She blamed me for all the abuse & heartache & pain she put me through & so much more. I can't tell you how crushing & painful & heartbroken I felt 💔💔😭😭😭.

even though this person means nothing to me. This person just knows how to hurt me with the right words & all. I have Survived so much of her cruel & evil ways. It definitely wasn't easy this is why I need to leave Arizona so bad. My whole life all I have done is work hard at not showing my emotions around this person & sharing my feelings with her. Because to her you were weak & not Strong & not Tough enough if you did any of these. She would also twist your words & put words in your mouth & only hear what she wanted to hear & if you try to explain yourself, she accuses you of trying to argue with her. 🙄 so half the time there was no point in trying to talk to her. She would just scream & yell at you. An beat the shit out of you if you crossed her at all. I still have a bruise scar on my right upper thigh. I have no feeling in that spot either anymore. Yes she was Physically Abusive & more. Why am I telling you all this because I don't want anyone who may be or has gone through Any kind of Abuse to think they are alone, because you are not. To please tell someone you trust & ask for help. I understand completely it's not easy but you got to find the Strength & Courage within you to Stand up for you & Fight for you. Because you deserve too. An Also know NONE OF THE ABUSE IS YOUR FAULT EVER!!!! NO MATTER WHAT THE PERSON OR PEOPLE TELL YOU!!! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT!!! Anyway, I am fighting through the hurt & pain of it all but I know in my heart she is very very wrong. None of it was my fault. May God bless you & be with you. 🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯☮️✝️🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋🫂🫂🫂🕊🕊🕊🕊💕💕💕💕🍀❤

THE STRUGGLES ARE REAL

Right now, I can't really express how truly, truly unsure, defeated, lost, drained & tired just tired I feel from ALL these fake negative people in here in Arizona. I am still Fighting & won't stop Fighting & Pushing as hard as I can to get through. But it's still so hard. I really wish I had 3 wishes or just 1. But that's not real life. It's 5:45 pm on a Sunday here & I just woke up. Severe Depression or any type of Depression will do that to you. I was suppose to go Grocery Shopping today but I didn't feel like it & I need too. I'm going to tomorrow. Not looking forward to it because of who I'm going with, I don't really have choice because I don't drive or anything. Anyway, if could run away I would, I really would out of Arizona. I could do other things to leave but I won't do that to the people who really love & care for me. I truly wish their wasn't so many blocks here & their. At least that's what it feels like. To get me were I should be & want to be. I know God is good & that he loves me, at least I realize that more now. Yes I lost hope & all for a long time. Because of ALL the Abuse & More I have been through growing up & all. I really believed he hated me & all. As I believed others hated me. My True Family & so many others who came in & out of my life, I got a lot of that back my Hope & Strength. Which is why I'm still around today. Each & everyone of them saved my life in their own way. Whether they knew it or not. I can't Thank them all enough for it. All I can do really is continue to fight to live as I am. It's definitely hard with Severe Depression & Anxiety & PTSD and all. It's a struggle everyday especially when your still living in the environment were it began. Do I know I can Survive this? Yes I do in my heart, I mean I Survived so much worse growing up, not sure how but I did. One thing I can say is I never ever allowed anyone to change my Big heart or Morals or Values or who I am. 

Healing is truly a long process & not one to be rushed & you really do see yourself more deeply. I am learning to love myself more, shocking I know. Because it's something I never really thought I could do. Honestly, because of how much I was put down & told how ugly, fat, disgusting, irrating, annoying, disgrace, stupid, unloved, that no one cared about me& ever would & that I was never meant to have friends & more. Hearing all this everyday of your life was hard & I still get told some of this stuff. It's very very hard to just ignore. I do try not to let it get to me as well as I can. But it's far from easy. But with my continued Therapy & Love & Support & all from my True Family & True friends. I will continue to fight & push through. An of course God's Help. I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU SO MUCH That have stuck with me through so much & never gave up on me. An always have Encouraged me to keep my Faith & Belief that had. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋✝️☮️🕯🕯🕯🕯🫂🫂🫂💕💕💕🕊🕊🕊❤🍀🥰🥰😘😘

Truly Eye Opening (aha moment)

In the past days so much has happened. Meaning I have been reminded of things, I forgot about & stopped believing in. Because I lost a lot of belief in myself & just how Strong I really am. Because I have been knocked down & more through out my life. 

it hasn't been easy for me at all. I struggled so much in my life & have been through so much. How I managed to Survive it all & Push through it all I really had no real idea. But I believe it was because of the Strength & Love & Prayer from the very close people in my life from my past to now. I can't explain to you how much that truly truly means to me & has saved my life & changed it. I am of course still struggling through & all. But I will get through it & survive again. I am still waiting to leave Arizona. Which I pray is soon. But anyway, I of course will still have many ups and downs. An when they come & go I don't know, I will just try my best to work through it & get through it as well as I can. Mental Health isn't easy at all, it's not something you "just get over" or " ignore " or " just stop whenever " it stays with you your whole life. Can it be managed yes it can. With whatever works for you. Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you all. God bless & take care. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋🕯🕯🕯✝️☮️🕊🕊🕊🫂🫂🫂

Life Changes!

I haven't written in such a long time. So much has changed in my life. I'm not really sure were to begin. Well I guess I will start with meeting my BFF/Sister. Her was Maddie. She was truly very wise & amazing. She had such a awful & horrible life growing up like I have. But still managed to Stay Strong & Fight like a Warrior. She definitely had an old soul. I always felt that from her & her & I had such a very special close connect that was unexplainable. She knew how I was feeling before I would tell her & more like I did with her. I'm sure your wondering why I said was. Well she passed away from COVID 2 years ago. I miss her so very much everyday. She also had so many health issues as well. As I do now. It's awful to say the least. I have been dealing so very much in my life. I'm still stuck in Arizona unfortunately. I really wish to God I wasn't but I am. It sucks so very much. Because I can't deal with all the things I'm dealing with. I don't have anyone here in AZ to talk to or turn to or nothing. I do have many people outside of Arizona which I am extremely grateful & blessed to have. But the in person interaction means so much more. Anyway, I am suppose to move but when God only knows because I don't. Or even if actually will at this point. Because their have been so many blocks everytime I thought maybe this day or this month or year. An it hasn't happened yet. I'm really starting to lose hope & think I'm just meant to be stuck here in Arizona for what's left of my life & be miserable. 😔🥺. I don't like feeling this way but I do. I'm trying very hard to keep fighting & Stay Strong but it's getting so much harder to do that. Because my Mental Health is getting worse everyday. I'm doing better in some areas but not all. That's what's getting worse because I'm still dealing with Mental & Verbal & Emotional Abuse almost daily. It's very hard to deal with & to try & stay Strong through & all. There have been times were I wanted to give up completely but I won't because I don't want to do that to the people who are very close to me in my life. Because they mean the world to me. But anyway, I pray everyday for a Miracle & all. An nothing yet. Some ups I have been going to therapy & healing from a lot of the things I have been through. I still have a long way to go for sure. But I'm getting there. I also have been living on my own still for a long time now. I'm proud of myself for that. But I'm not happy that all these years later Sergio is still living with me. An still has yet to see his kids but that's neither here  nor there. Anyway, I really hope he moves on his own soon very soon. My slumlord as call him, is an Emblezzing dick. Just horrible doesn't fix or take care of anything at all. No matter how many times he is told. He doesn't care at all. Anyway, I'm struggling a bit with bills but not much I can do really. I tried to get help from every where I can & it's just one block after another. It's really upsetting & hard. I don't know anymore. So sorry it's sad & all. Of course I can't say everything that's going on because of privacy & legal reasons. I do apologize. I just pray & pray things get better here really very soon ASAP! 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾💪🏾💪🏾☮️✝️🕯🕯🕯🕯🤍🤍💜💜🕊🕊🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾 I love you all very much & God bless. 

Staying Strong & Positive!

I know I haven't blogged in a while, I stopped because I just thought no one read or cared. As I'm sure no one will read or cared about this. But anyway, my mother has been dealing with a lot lately as the rest of us have, with my Nephews being taken from her. Well today in Court she found out my Nephews have been with There mother all this time and the are very miserable. I feel so bad for them and Wish they would give them back to my mother already. I just feel so helpless & Bad for my Nephews. I also feel for my mom as well because she still hasn't really been able to Deal with her sisters passing & now this. I just don't understand why all this is happening to my family. Why can't God Give us a break already. I just don't get it!! I don't know anymore. I am just trying to Stay Strong💪 & Positive through all of this, it's not been easy at all. But I'm trying.. God bless🙏🙏 👼💪🌠🌠🌠💙💙💙💙🕊🕊🗽🏆

My Life

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Thank you!!

I know I haven't written in a while, but I am now, I thank you everyone who has come into my life these past years, and have given me the Courage and Strength and Confidence to move forward even when I pushed back and wanted to give up, you never let me do that, and I can't thank you all enough for just how Truly Blessed and Grateful I am to have you all apart of my life. You have no idea how much you all have saved my life more than once. I will never forget it and that you stuck with me through all my struggles. You all have shown me something I never thought I would ever have True Friendship and real Friends. That have truly Inspired me and Motivated me and Empowered me to do better and be better in life and believe in myself and have Confidence and faith in myself to fight for my dreams and goals, be determined to make them happened. I love you all so much and God bless you all and take care!! 🙏💪❤❤🤗🏆👼🗽🗽🙌🙌
Sincerely,
Athena Santana (FamilyForLife)