I NEED TO GO HOME NOW!!!!!! 💔💔😢😢

I CAN'T CONTINUE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!! & NO ONE CARES!!! I HATE THAT I GET TOLD THAT ARE SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE & CARE FOR ME, BUT NOT ONE PERSON IS HERE FOR ME💔💔💔 OR JUST IGNORES ME ALL TOGETHER!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID WRONG OR WHAT I'M DOING WRONG!!!! THAT PEOPLE THINK WHATEVER THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT ME!!! 😞😞💔💔💔I AM VERY SUICIDAL AND SEVERAL DEPRESSED BADLY AND NO NOT ONE CARES!!!! BUT YET SO MANY ALLEGEDLY DO!!! 🙄. BUT NO ONE HAS REACHED OUT TO ME OR ANYTHING!!! SO I SHOULD TAKE MY LIFE AND BE DONE WITH IT ALL!!! NO ONE CARES OR WILL MISS ME ANYWAY!!! SO IF MY REAL PARENTS DON'T COME GET ME ANY DAY NOW ANYTIME NOW!!!!! THEN THAT'S WHAT I WILL DO!!!! TAKE MY LIFE!!! 

Betrayed & Unsure 😢💔

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS WHOLE TIME!!! THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME!!! 💔💔😔😔😡😡 I REALLY BELIEVED I WAS TALKING TO YOU & EVERYONE ELSE. I CAN'T BELIEVE I REALLY TRUSTED & OPENED UP TO PEOPLE WHO WHERE NEVER WHO THEY SAID THEY WERE. HOW COULD I BE SO DAMN STUPID & NAIVE & SO MUCH MORE I WANT TO CALL MYSELF. YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS EVEN HAPPENED THE REAL PEOPLE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE PEOPLE SCAMMED MY BFF & ME THIS WHOLE TIME. HOW CAN THEY BE SO DAMN EVIL & HEARTLESS. KARMA WILL GET THEM FOR SURE. BUT MEAN TIME I WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND I'M SO HURT AND DEVASTATED & HEARTBROKEN. BECAUSE YOU FUCKED WITH MY HEART & EMOTIONS & LIFE. FOR WHAT I WILL NEVER KNOW I GUESS. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TRUST OR OPEN UP AGAIN WITHOUT HAVING TRUST ISSUES AND SO MUCH MORE. IF I LIVE ANYWAY. IF I DON'T SUCCEED IN KILLING MYSELF ANYWAY. I CAN'T CONTINUE TO LIVE IN THE CONDITIONS & SITUATION I'M IN ANYMORE EITHER. THAT'S WHY IF I'M NOT OUT OF THE SITUATION I'M IN BEFORE 2023 IS OVER, I WILL TAKE OWN LIFE. I PROMISE YOU THAT. BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF ALL THIS AND LIVING THROUGH ALL THIS. I'M 44 YEARS OLD NO MORE. SO YEAH I WILL BE DEAD AT 44 IF THINGS DON'T CHANGE BEFORE 2023 IS OVER. GOD BLESS &PEACE BE WITH YOU. 🙏👼☮️✝️🫂🫂🕊🕊🕊🕯🕯🕯🕯🥀🥀🥀🥀😢😢😢💔💔💔💔😔😔🫶🫶

FREEDOM

I WISH I KNEW WHAT THAT WAS LIKE TO HAVE FREEDOM & KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE FREE. 

MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT FIGHTING & PUSHING THROUGH &SURVIVING & STRUGGLING & HEARTACHE PAIN & SUFFERING. 

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?? WHEN WILL I BE FREE? WHEN WILL I HAVE FREEDOM?? WHEN I PASS AWAY & DIE?? IS THAT WHEN?? 

I'M JUST TO OLD FOR THIS SHIT I'M 44 YEARS OLD & I'M HOMELESS & I CAN'T WORK DUE TO HEALTH & MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. I TRIED TO APPLY FOR DISABILITY BUT ALL I GET IS DENIED, DENIED, DENIED. 

I JUST WANT THE PAIN & SUFFERING & HEARTACHE & STRUGGLE TO STOP. I WANT TO END MY LIFE SO BAD VERY BAD. BECAUSE I'M DONE GOING THROUGH IT. 

I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET BECAUSE HONESTLY I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY. 

I WAS GOING TO SAY BECAUSE OF A PROMISE I MADE. 

I HAVE HAD COUNTLESS THERAPIST & ONLY ONE THAT I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST & WAS KINDA HELPING UNTIL SHE TURNED OUT TO BE A FRAUD AND MORE. 

I HAVE CALLED THE "NUMBERS" & ALL BUT THEY ARE DON'T CARE AT ALL. IT'S TRUE WHAT PEOPLE HAVE SAID. 

I JUST WANT TO KNOW FREEDOM & TO BE FREE. 

Unsure😔💔

As the warm tears run down my face. Heart and Soul broken and Shattered into a million pieces, & the disbelief & pain my Spirit & Mind feel are beyond words. My Will to live is slowly disappearing & fading away. I feel my heart bleeding as it's been broken & shattered & crushed so many times for years. I don't know how or what to feel anymore. As I Struggle everyday to do anything from getting up to eating & to fighting & staying strong or even alive. I am in such a dark deep depression because of where I am & what I have gone through & am going through now. I prayed & prayed & wished and hoped & more to be taken away from here and finally know and feel Free & know freedom because I truly don't feel or know either. I haven't my whole life. No one not one person will ever ever understand any of this unless you are going through it or have been through it all that I have and am going through now. Which I don't wish on anyone ever. I ask God why everyday, why me? What did I do wrong or have I done to deserve all the pain and suffering and heartache I have been through my whole life and now. I truly want to know. Anyway, I wish I knew so I could never do it again or stop doing whatever it is. 

Just A Question Really.

I HAVE BEEN ASKING MYSELF THIS FOR REALLY QUITE SOME TIME NOW. I MEAN I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY I HAVEN'T DONE THIS YET. IT'S NOT LIKE I WOULD BE MISSED OR SOMETHING. I FEEL VERY ALONE & ABANDONED & UNWANTED & PUSHED AWAY & IGNORED & MORE. YES I AM EXTREMELY SEVERELY DEPRESSED & DAMAGED. I HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS DAILY. I PRAYED & PRAYED SO VERY HARD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE I'M AT & ALL & GOT NOTHING. IT WILL BE A YEAR NEXT MONTH THAT I HAVE BEEN HERE WHERE I AM. I AM VERY HEARTBROKEN & DEVASTATED & MORE BY IT. BY THE WAY DO NOT TWIST MY WORDS OR PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH I AM NOT SAYING I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF. SO DON'T GET IT TWISTED. ANYWAY, I JUST FEEL HOW I FEEL & MY FEELINGS ARE VERY VALID. I WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER FORGIVE THOSE WHO ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN ME BEING WHERE I AM. BECAUSE IT'S UNFORGIVABLE. I'M SORRY NOT SORRY. MY APOLOGIES FOR THE RANT & ALL BUT IT'S HOW I FEEL & I'M JUST TIRED OF FIGHTING & EXPECTED TO CONTINUE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THAT I'M GOING THROUGH IT'S NOT RIGHT. IT'S ALL I HAVE BEEN DOING MY WHOLE LIFE IS STRUGGLE & FIGHT & MORE. I HAVE ALWAYS FOUGHT MY OWN BATTLES BY MYSELF & HAVE DONE SO MUCH ON MY OWN & BY MYSELF. IT'S TRULY HEARTBREAKING💔 & VERY SAD. NO ONE SHOULD EVER EVER EVER SUFFER THE WAY I HAVE & I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WISH IT ON MY WORST ENEMY OR ANYONE AT THAT. AGAIN JUST MY FEELINGS & THOUGHTS. GOD BLESS & PEACE BE WITH YOU ALL. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾💕💕💕🫂🫂✝️☮️🕯🕯🕯🕊🕊🕊🗽🍀❤

THE LOST ONE

I don't really quite know where to begin. For quite some time now, I have been dealing with so much Pain & Heartache & Hurt & Abuse & more. I have not disgust it on Twitter or Instagram or anywhere else. Because well I stopped telling much anymore, because I feel like I'm just annoying & burdening everyone with my stupid problems. So I just keep it to myself & only share with those who actually care to know & want to be there for me & understand & listen. Privately of course. I really appreciate those of you that did reach out when I really needed someone. It means a lot to me. I am still struggling pretty bad and getting abused daily. How I'm still alive & all or why I don't know. But I am. I really really pray things change ASAP but I don't really know how much more I can take. I mean I have been through all this & more growing up, I have to say enough is enough already! You know. I am fighting of course or I wouldn't be here and no it's not easy and I don't needed no judgemental dicks judging me right now. What I need is real Support & Love & To Heal & more. It's hard enough going through what I'm going through without people talking shit and all. Anyway, God bless & Peace be with you. 🙏🏾👼🏾✝️☮️🕊🕊🕯🕯🕯🫂🫂💕💕💪🏾💪🏾💔💔😢😢😔😔🥺🥺

Homeless & Ready to give up.. 😔🥺

I can't begin to tell you how truly hard it is for me right now. I am badly depressed & want to kill myself so bad. I don't care if you don't believe my pain & heartache, I know the truth & so does God. I am not looking for petty or your thoughts and prayers. That isn't going to get me out of my situation. I just want to tell my feelings & that's really it. I am living in a Hell with no way out or no where to go. I have very bad triggers & flashbacks of things happened to me & I have no one to talk to about it at all. I can't tell you how much longer I can live through this & take all this. Because I don't know. I have had several break downs & all. I just can't do this anymore. Of course I'm fighting as hard as I can but this is, definitely the hardest fight of my life for sure. I want to give up so very bad, but I can't because I have people out there that truly love & care for me. I can't do that to them. Because they mean world to me. I am truly trying to hold & Keep Pushing through. I can't even tell you all that I fought through my whole life, I don't know how I survived it all. I really truly don't, yeah I understand I'm a Survivor & all of course but I still I don't understand how I did it. I'm very grateful I did. I mean I had no real friends or anyone to talk to or that I was close with. So yeah I just don't understand. When I finally moved away from the Hell I grew up in, I felt somewhat relief & free. Not completely but somewhat. Now that I am were I am I feel alone & heartbroken & unwanted & unsafe & so much more. I. Felt all of this growing up as well. I hope & pray I get through all this as well and away from it forever soon. Because honestly I don't know how much more I can take & deal with anymore. God help me for sure. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾💪🏾💪🏾✝️☮️🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾💕💕🗽🫂🫂🫂😔🥺💔💔

HOMELESS & NO WHERE TO GO. 😔💔

I can't even express everything I'm feeling right now. I found out the day after my birthday that my slumlord dick face told me my lease had expired. As he put it. I had no damn idea at all. Then he hands me this letter he typed up himself. Calling it a "Certified Letter" . Then claimed he had sent me others. Which is damn lie because I never got anything. I tried to leave back in April but he told Section 8 Housing NO. That he wasn't going to release me from my lease. Now out of no where he is throwing me out. I feel very num, worried, scared, unsure, alone, upset, angry, hurt because I have no where to go at all. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm praying Section 8 helps me out. I'm definitely not going back to twat faces home fuck her. Anyway, at least July's Rent is paid I guess. But after that, God only knows what will happen to me because I will have no home. 😔🥺😭😭😭😭💔💔💔🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾This may be my last post ever, so I want to Thank EVERYONE who has been there for me through so much of my life. Through the hard times & Good times. It means the world to me. I appreciate you all so much & I love you all so very much. You all have each given me so much Strength & Courage & have Motivated me & Inspired me. I will never forget it. Well God bless you all & Peace be with you all. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾💕💕💕✝️☮️🕊🕊🕊💪🏾💪🏾🫂🫂🫂😔💔💔🥺😭😭😭😭

A Lot of Unsureness

It is really hard to describe in words just how I feel about so much going on in my life right now and my reaction to the Wade vs Roe overturn. Just so many mixed emotions & more. Then to think that my rights as a woman & LGBTQ 🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ are going to be at risk as well. If these people get their way. I can't believe all of this happening & then for stupid ass people to say " well they shouldn't have sex & blah, blah, blah" FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID ASS CUNTS!! 😡😡RAPE & INCEST IS NOT SEXUAL CONSENT!!! 😡😡😡🤬🤬🤬WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! 🤬🤬🤬😡😡 NO ONE IS MAKING ANY EXCUSE FOR SHIT!!! Anyway damn way, I know you fucking lying!! This is a Whole Lotta, Whole Lotta. No I'm not trying to funny or anything. I'm being fucking serious! WHO THE FUCK GAVE ANYONE THE RIGHT TO TELL ME OR ANYONE WHAT THEY CAN & CAN'T DO WITH MY BODY OR THEIR BODY!!! 🤬😡😡🤬 YOU STUPID FUCKS!! SO IF I PREGNANT WHEN I WAS RAPED AT 5 YEARS OLD BY A FAKE SO CALLED FATHER AND HIS 7 BROTHERS & THEN REPEATEDLY IN MY SLEEP RAPED & RAPED AGAIN AS A TEENAGER I WOULD HAVE TO KEEP THE FETUS?? FUCK YOU, HELL NO!! 🤬🤬😡😡 BECAUSE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S RELIGIOUS BELIEFS GO TO HELL& SUCK A DICK!!! WOULD NEVER EVER HAPPEN BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF FIRST!! I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS ABOUT WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE, NOT YOUR BODY OR YOUR CHOICE!!! Anyway, enough of that for now. I am dealing so much other stuff that is really hard to explain and I really don't know how & some I can't for legal reasons. I am really sorry for not explaining more. I'm tired of being here in Arizona and dealing with people's shit and I feel like I'm stuck here for the rest of my life. Because I feel so useless and helpless and hurt & lost & more. Yeah, yeah I know, I know shut the fuck up! & "people have it worse than you" 🙄🤦🏾‍♀️" It's only temporary " or " it's not that bad" well you know what FUCK OFF!! YOU SHADY BITCH!! YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!!! & NEVER WILL!! Okay now, God bless! & Peace be with you! 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾🫂🫂💪🏾💪🏾💕💕☮️✝️🕊🕊

JUST LOST. 😔🥺

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. Because I really don't know what to feel. I am just Lost & full of mixed emotions. On one hand I feel hurt, lied to, betrayed & heartbroken & guilty & so stupid & naive & weak & on the other hand I feel relief, peace, shock but not surprised, I feel helpless & useless & horrible & all. Not that anyone cares because no reads this. Just like when I tweet no one cares or when I speak no one cares. So I think why am even still alive, I mean wouldn't you think the world would be better off without me in it. I mean really why am I here, because my whole life has been a complete lie & full of hurt & heartache & pain & struggle & loss & betrayal & misery & suffering & broken promises & abandonment & feeling unwanted & unlovable & more. I mean absolutely no one here in Arizona gives a shit about me. No one checks on me here or helps me if I needed it because they want to, no only if it benefits them in some way. No fights me or stands up for me here, I am alone here by myself doing everything on my own here. Like usual I'm used to it yes, but it still sucks & hurts. I am certainly not looking forward to my Birthday at all. No way, it's ruined already as usual every year like clock work. Something bad happens either before or on my Birthday. To bad nothing good happens. Anyway, who cares God bless & take care. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾☮️✝️🕯🕯🕯🕯🕊🕊🕊🕊💔💔💔

IT'S JUST ANOTHER DAY ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

To me it has always been just another day. My Birthday yeah it's coming up on the 30th of this month. I have never ever looked forward to it. Because ever year never seems to fail. Something bad always seems to happen on the day or before. Even though I wish & pray for good & positive things. Anyway, enough of that, I'm just not doing very well at all Mentally & I definitely feel my Health getting worse because no one here in AZ cares about my Health or nothing. I have a Doctor but she don't give two shits about me at all. So now, I got to find a new one. I'm sure she won't give two shits either. They never do. I'm used to that. I have only had 2 good Doctors in my life here in AZ, but they now live in Tucson AZ. Anyway, still stuck here in this crappy ass apartment because Slumlord won't release me from Lease. Don't know why, he won't say. I am seriously tired of all this bullshit & crap people seem to think is okay to put me through & all. WELL IT'S FUCKING NOT!!!! & KARAMA & GOD WILL GET YOU!!! I PROMISE YOU THAT!!! 😡😡🤬🤬 I normally don't say shit like this but damn I'm tired of it all & I'm sick of them getting away with shit they put me through & do to me. I want 2 things for my birthday so bad & I'm not going to get either one of them unfortunately. Well not for my birthday anyway. So anyway, Enough of that, like I said it's just another day for me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯🤷🏾‍♀️ I AM ALONE HERE IN ARIZONA WITH NOBODY THAT CARES ABOUT ME OR NOTHING!! I FUCKING HATE IT!!! UGH!!! Sorry not Sorry!! It's the truth! 

I Praying & Hoping🙏🏾👼🏾🕯🕯🕯☮️✝️

I am so really really trying to stay so Strong & Fight so much. I am truly dealing with so much. Some I can't say for legal reasons. But anyway, I know I have gone through so much in my life so much abuse & more. I truly don't understand why all this happened to me & why I was put through it all. I get SOME things happen for a reason but NOT EVERYTHING. I don't believe that. Because of all I have been put through & gone through & am going through. I just I don't know I feel like a failure to so many & I am just bothering & annoying so many people with my problems & failures. I am really very sorry this was never my intentions at all ever. I feel like I'm just pushing people away by being so irritating & annoying & all. Again I am so very sorry & I'm sorry to annoy & bother you all with this blog post. I don't really know were else to turn I have no one here in Arizona who gives two fucks about me that's for sure. I feel like my Mental health is getting worse rather than better. Maybe some of this is because my BFFs Birthday is Sunday and she isn't here anymore. 😔🥺💔💔 I don't really know. I just know how I feel and I feel like no one wants here what I have to say because they skip through things I tell them & ignore it without a response. I'm sorry you may not always know what to say but saying nothing isn't better. I feel like I'm just talking to myself as usual. Because no one cares about what I have to say or nothing. I'm used to that very much, I grow up like that keeping everything to myself & all. I am so tired of telling almost everything to people they're not doing the same in return. Because it makes feel like I'm not important enough to open up too anymore. It hurts very much. 😔😔💔. I know I'm being stupid I understand. I apologize really I do. Well anyway, God bless & Peace be with you. 👼🏾👼🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾💕💕✝️☮️🕯🕯🕯🕊🕊💪🏾💪🏾🫂🫂

Embarrassed 🥺😔& Stop The Abuse

Their has been something going on for a while now. I am embarrassed by it all. Because I should have said something about it sooner, but I was too embarrassed & felt helpless really. Now I know this isn't going to change my situation right now but I am ready to get this off my chest now. The reason I didn't & don't fight back is because the person is elderly & they would accuse me of Elder Abuse. Which I would never ever do Abuse anyone in anyway. This person has been physically hitting me everytime she comes to take me to the grocery store or where ever. She doesn't make it notice able, she hits me in places were if there is a bruise, you can't see it. Sergio doesn't even know either. An because I do bruise easy because I'm a type 2 diabetic, she can easily say that. Just a few days ago, I went to the store with her because that's what she wanted to do & she was giving me the money that Sergio asked to borrow from her because she doesn't trust him, anyway, when she asked me who I was talking to on my phone mind you, I said none of your business. She then turned around & started pinching me the little ones that stink & stuff. Then she pushed my head & I hit the car window & then she pulled my hair & was calling me a Fat Pig & telling me how disgusting & ugly I am & that I'm such a disappointment & more. I was trying not cry the whole time because I know she thinks crying is weak. But I couldn't help myself & that made her more mad. To the point to where she started slapping me all over. It felt like punches. Then when she dropped me off I had to bring in my own groceries because Sergio was at a job interview & I needed help with my case of water, so she reluctantly helped & then before setting it down she pushed it into my bad leg and I almost fell. I caught myself thank God but yeah. Anyway, I am telling you all this, because one it's not right what she is doing no matter who is it no one deserves this treatment. Any & All Abuse Should be reported to someone you trust or the police & take pics & stuff. Unfortunately, I didn't take pictures & stuff because I was too embarrassed I mean I'm 42 years old & could I have physically done something yes, but again she would have screamed Elder Abuse. Anyone who is going through this you aren't alone I promise you that. That is also why I put I'm a Stupid Loser as my username on Twitter. Because that's how I feel. Anyway, Thank you for listening & all. God bless! 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🫂🫂💪🏾💪🏾💕💕🕊🕊🕯🕯🕯☮️✝️😔🥺😢😢

MY HERO & ANGEL

I can't thank you enough for EVERYTHING & ALL  you have done for me. An for being there for me the way you have. YOU SAVED MY LIFE SO MANY TIMES. Little did you know. If not for you, I wouldn't be here now. You are the reason I fight & get up everyday & push through all the bullshit going on in my life right now. It means everything to me. You are truly a blessing & gift from God. An of course I am always & always will be here for you as well NO MATTER WHAT! I don't care the time or day I will be there for you. As I suffer with severe depression & anxiety & PTSD & Suicidal thoughts everyday right now, you have always found ways to cheer me up & get me through it all. I love you so very much & I owe you my life and would lay my life down for you. Because you mean that much to me. Everyday you give me the Strength & Courage to keep going & Survive each day. It is truly an Honor & Blessing to have you in my life & apart of my life forever. I can't thank you enough for all you have done for me & are doing for me. God bless you My Hero & Angel. 💪🏾💪🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾✝️☮️🕯🕯🕯🫂🫂💕💕

Overwhelmed 😔🥺😭😭

I don't know what to feel or think at the moment. I am just beyond hurt & crushed & devastated. With everything going on. I am really tired of treating people that don't deserve my kindness or love or anything from me with all that anymore. I am far from a mean person or whatever. But I'm done with being used & taken advantage of & treated like shit & abused & more. I don't deserve it at all. I have done nothing wrong, I have always treated people the way I want to be treated. But I have in return been treated with abuse & hurt & pain & heartache & more. I am done, I am done with it all. If that makes me a Bitch or selfish then so fucking be it. But I am done. 

I just Don't Understand

I truly just don't understand any of this. I feel like I'm being punished for something. What have I done wrong? I mean seriously. I say this because first my BFF & Now God may take her too. 😔🥺💔💔😭😭 with tears running down my face, I just read a post a very dear friend is fighting for her life right now, all after having her tooth pulled a mother ago. An I feel so damn helpless & heartbroken. Her name is Melissa Whisman now Batchelder is her last name now because she got married last year. This is her the top one & the bottom one is her & her husband. 

this is her & her husband 

 She is truly the Kindest & sweetest & big hearted & caring & loving & down to earth & daring person I know. She has seen so much of what I have gone through growing up & she has been there for me through thick and thin. She to has been through so much growing up as well. She is such a Warrior & Survivor. She is definitely a Fighter but I know everyone's time comes & I pray hers doesn't come yet. But I also know that's not for me to decide, it's all up to God. Just like he knew it was for my BFF. People thought Missy for short & I were best friends but we weren't. Just very close ones. I remember the day I first meet her I was in 5th grade and I was going to a doctors appointment & we ran into each other passing by & had a brief conversation & then later got to know each other more & more. Learned she didn't live to far from me & I from her. We saw each other everyday at School after & spent a lot time together & grew very close as friends. She was like the sister I never had growing up. We talked for hours and hours on the phone sometimes not all the time. She got me through so much & I got her through so much too. Her mom Patricia Whisman was so amazing, she passed away a few years ago. But before that her brother Kevin passed away from a Blood clot in his leg & her Dad passed away after her mom did a year or so later from Cancer. I forgot which Cancer. But yeah & it was very hard for her but her other two brothers & family got her through & myself. I am very close with that family. Pat even tried to do something so selfless to get me out of my awful situation but the person who is betraying herself as something she isn't said No. I was so upset with her for it. But anyway, it's neither here nor there now. I Just Pray & Pray Missy makes it through. Because she has so much to live for. This is her mom & her 

 her mom of course has since passed away some time ago. R. I. P. 🕊🕊🙏🏾👼🏾✝️☮️anyway, God bless! & Take Care. 

My Grief

As I sit here with tears running down my face, I am thinking about ALL the Good times & some not so good times with my best friend. Her name was Maddie. She truly was an old soul full of wisdom & a big heart & more. I have never really talked about my Grief after she passed away from COVID on Oct.30th almost 3 years ago now. Because no one has ever asked me & two I didn't really feel ready to talk about it. I'm still grieving in my own way for her but I'm at peace with knowing she is at peace and no longer suffering anymore. I know she is with me everyday I feel her. I fell into a depression not a dark one thank God. But A long Depression that I'm slowly pushing through & fighting through everyday among other things. But that's neither here nor there. When I was told she passed away, my heart broke & sank to my stomach. I cried & cried & cried for days. Because I couldn't believe she was actually gone. I just laid in bed for days crying & beating myself up for not being there with her to say Goodbye & tell her how much I would miss her & all. An that I was at peace with her moving forward & didn't want her to suffer anymore. Yes I would still grieve & all as I have & am. But I feel it would have been Healing for me & her. I think it would have put her mind at peace knowing this. But I never got that change & I never will. I was Angry, mad & feeling guilty & all because how could God not allow me to say Goodbye & met her & be there in person for her? As one does in grief of a loved one or someone close to them. I know that I was there for her everyday & all through our DM chats on Twitter even in the end. Just like she was for me. Her & I shared abusive childhoods & a lot of hard times from our lives. We were also each other's Rocks & Ride or Dies & Sister & at the time only real family each other had so we thought. Because neither one of us knew that we had a Real True Family out there. That changed our lives in so many way. But let me get back to my Grief here, for a minute. When I told this so called family here in Arizona that she passed away, not a damn one cared or understood why I was grieving someone I never met in person. That hurt me so much, because I did know her regardless whether we would have met in person or not. Now this may be hard for some of you to understand, & that's okay I didn't either at first. But I felt like I had known her my whole life & we had this strong connection & bound that no one could break or ripe apart because people did try. No we weren't "Lovers" or whatever the hell you want to think. I was NEVER into her like that, she was my BFF Sister. An she knew that. Anyway, It was hard not being able to talk to her everyday anymore & it still is at times. Because I was so used to that for a long time. But I do talk to my Real True Family everyday. They have saved my life so many times already & helped me through so much & love & care & support through so much & for me. That I can't Thank them enough even through there own struggles & hard times they have been there for me. Honestly, I wouldn't be alive still if not for them. I may not be there with them yet but they are always, always in my heart & I love them all to death. I would die for each & everyone of them I mean that whole heartedly. They are my world & mean the world to me. I am really working hard to push through & fight through my Severe Depression everyday. It's not easy but I'm trying really hard. I was going through therapy & I'm about to start again soon. Some personal situations stopped it for a little while. But anyway, I am going to get back to it because I know it will help me like it had been before after my BFF passed away. I JUST NEED TO LEAVE ARIZONA ALREADY!!! PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!! Anyway, I'm just trying to Heal & Move Forward as best I can. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🦋💪🏾💪🏾🕊🕊🕊☮️✝️🍀❤🫂🫂💕💕

The Next Chapter

I am truly ready to move forward & out of Arizona already. I have most of my stuff packed up & ready to go. I have for a while now. But unfortunately I haven't left yet, but then I wonder if I ever will at all. An if I should just unpack everything. Maybe this is my depression talking or maybe not. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I just feel so stuck & struggling so very bad. Because of all the Verbal & Emotional & Mental abuse I deal with daily while still here in Arizona. Even though I don't live with Linda, the person that lied to me my whole life & portrayed herself as something she never was ever. Does this to me. I am beyond done with it all & enough is enough. I know I probably sound like a broken record, not my intentions at all. But I'm just done already. I know I'm not expected to be Strong all the time but for years growing up I always felt like I was expected to be just that & the understanding one & more. All these expectations for what so I can be gaselined & your punching bag & your "easy" target my whole life? Meaning someone you can just run all over & try to manipulate & abuse & more everyday. Because this how I feel, I'm tired of being expected to continue be treated this way & live this way. My Mental Health feels like it's just worse and then next will be my health. I struggle everyday with my Mental health issues & it's just hard & overwhelming. I feel so lost & like a second class citizen that's how I feel I'm being treated here in Arizona. Now I have dealt with Discrimination & Racism & all my whole life because I'm mixed race. It is truly the most degrading feeling & disheartening & painful & awful experience ever. Anyone who has dealt with this will tell you it feels like your identity is being stolen from you and like your worthless & all. But to feel like your being treated like a second class citizen is just indescribable. Because you really don't know what to feel other than num & all. I am pretty much fighting & pushing through for my life. With the help of my Real & True Family. If not for them I would not still be here meaning alive. They are keeping going & all. I love you so very much with everything in me. I apologize for some of my blogs sounding depressing & all. I love to write & I express myself very well through writing. But am working hard at expressing myself verbally better. As I never really been good at, because I wasn't allowed to & I had no friends to talk to growing up. True ones anyway. I have had plenty of fake ones though. Anyway, that's whole other blog in it's self. Right now, in this one I'm talking about Mental health & Discrimination & the effects of it all. Well how it's affected me anyway. God bless & take care and God only made one you, & you can't be you no one else will. 💪🏾💪🏾🫂🫂🙏🏾👼🏾✝️☮️🕊🕊🕊🦋💕💕💕

Mental Health

Mental Health is a struggle & life I would never wish on anyone. It is truly the most hardest & difficult thing to ever go through. When I realized I had Mental Illness, I felt so defeated & broken & alone & so much more. Because no one understood anything about it or wanted to learn or listen to anything about it. I guess you can say I kinda taught myself. I mean the Therapist I had at the time didn't understand or get anything. She was fresh out of College. She did everything all wrong & some things she could have been sued for. But she "acted" like she knew what she was doing. I was 17 when I had my first Therapist. An she awful & just all kinds of wrong. I didn't go to her very long at all. I only went to her, because the person who has pretended to be something they aren't & never were ; was under their insurance from there work. I couldn't afford to go to one on my own like now. Then when I could find one on my own, they weren't any better. They either didn't care or listen or understand anything. They always tried to push Anti Depressants on me, they were very prescription happy as I call them. Those who push prescription drugs you don't really need on you. They never offered any other alternatives not even when I asked. It was always prescription drugs. So I stop going to them for a long time. When I thought maybe I found a good one, nope he was creepy & I felt so uncomfortable around him. This started after I told him about my being raped at 5 years old & again at 16 . So I stopped going to him immediately after he got creepy & all. Then after that, I never saw another one again. I didn't trust them anymore & I didn't feel heard or believed or nothing. Finally just a few years ago, I found one that understands me & cares & listens & doesn't push prescription drugs on me and offers other alternatives if I want. & doesn't share what I tell her with anyone else. Like the others did to me. Which is illegal. Anyway, I was diagnosed with Severe Depression & Anxiety & PTSD. Which I have found other alternatives that work for me & I don't need prescription drugs. I mean if they work for you, that is great. Nothing wrong with that at all. You do what works for you. For me, they don't work. Anyway, I have been Struggling so much everyday with my Mental Health. Because I am going through so much stress and anxiety & Verbal & Mental & Emotional Abuse & suicidal Thoughts everyday. Because of all that I'm dealing with. It very hard to get through the day everyday but I have been turning to God more than ever before & talking with people I trust & who I'm very close too. Outside of Arizona. I have no one here in Arizona at all, to turn to or nothing. Which makes things so much harder to deal with but I keep fighting through & pushing through for myself & those who truly truly give a damn about me. 

WHY??

I REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE HATED ME IN MY LIFE. DON'T TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE BECAUSE IT IS. ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THIS& NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY. I'M NOT ATTRACTIVE, I'M FAT NOW BUT GROWING UP I WASN'T. BUT EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS SO I BELIEVED IT AS I STILL DO NOW. ANYWAY, I'M A NOBODY FOR SURE ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY, I'M POOR AS FUCK. I'M STRUGGLING BAD BUT OH WELL. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WOULD PUSH ME AWAY & FORCE SITUATIONS THAT WERE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. LIKE TRYING TO GET ME TO HAVE A "CLOSE" RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS & IS PURE EVIL. THEN TO TRY AND FORCE ME TO LIVE BACK IN THIS PERSONS HOUSE. WHEN THEY KNEW THAT WAS NEVER GOING HAPPEN. I GUESS I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY WERE THINKING & WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO BAD, THAT THEY WOULD DO THIS STUFF TO ME. FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT THROWING ANYTHING IN ANYONE'S FACE, I JUST WANT ANSWERS & TO ALSO UNDERSTAND WHY. I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS A LOT, ABOUT WHY PEOPLE TREATED ME THE WAY THEY DID & WHY THEY HATED ME SO BAD& WHY WAS I PUT THROUGH SO MUCH EVIL LIKE I WAS. AN LIKE I AM NOW AS STILL HERE IN ARIZONA. I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY TO GET UP & I JUST WANT TO NOT WAKE UP MOST DAYS AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF MOST DAYS AS WELL. I KNOW IF I WERE TO TRY NO ONE HERE WOULD STOP ME. NO I'M NOT THREATENING TO, I'M JUST POINTING THAT OUT. PLEASE DON'T TWIST MY WORDS OR PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. ANYWAY, I JUST HAD TO GET THIS STUFF OFF MY CHEST. BECAUSE IT'S BEEN WEIGHING ON ME FOR A WHILE NOW. I'M NOT SURE I WILL EVER KNOW WHY ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING OR EVER HAPPENED. BUT I WANT THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAY BE GOING THROUGH THE SAME CRAP OR HAVE GONE THROUGH THE SAME CRAP THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AT ALL. YES I WILL GET THROUGH IT & ALL BUT THE PAIN & HURT FROM IT ALL WILL NEVER GO AWAY. 🙏🏾🙏🏾👼🏾👼🏾🫂🫂🕯🕯🕯☮️✝️🕊🕊🕊🤍🤍💜💜🦋